Letters
Letter to Karen L. Brauer
July 29, 2005
Dear Ms. Mrs. Brauer,
Thank you for taking a stand on behalf of pharmacists who refuse to dispense medicine. I wish we all respected the rights of pharmacists more. I don't think it's fair to force people to serve their country in a way that's against their morals. They should be allowed to register as Conscientious Objectors, and the Pharmacy Draft Boards should be considerate of that if their number gets called. There should be some kind of other community service the Board assigns to them if they have documented reasons why they can't perform the job.
Pharmacists who don't feel they can do the job should be allowed to quit, without retribution. It's not right to force someone into a job against their will, and then if they refuse to perform the mission, we court martial them and toss them in jail.
I am thinking of trying to start up something like an underground railroad, to help the pharmacists who oppose medicine escape to another country, or even just hide in our attics - whatever it takes to help these victims. We'd need a way they could easily identify the safe houses to flee to - maybe we could put signs in our windows, something like a railroad sign - with the two RR's, but each R could have the little x at the bottom.
I hope that someday in the near future this health care crisis will end, and we will be able to have an all volunteer force.
p.s. I saw your slogan, "Pharmacists for Life" and was thinking you could get a little more punch in your campaign if you went with something catchier. What do you think of something like: "Fighting For Your Rights! (Unless You're Not A Pharmacist)" - do you think it's too long for a bumpersticker?
Letter to Principal Sam Ward
February 26, 2005
Dear Mr. Ward,
I am writing in support of your decision to ban Kelli Davis’s senior
photo from the Fleming Island High School yearbook. It is outrageous and
immoral that Kelli was photographed wearing a tuxedo. Unless suits are
tailored for women, they tend to deemphasize their breasts, which is completely
inappropriate for a high school yearbook. Given the hormone levels of
the typical male high school student, it’s only common courtesy
to photograph the girls looking feminine – wearing a drape that
implies no clothes underneath.
I would like to see the tuxedos formally banned for all gays (male and female), because of the message they send. I don’t personally have any gay friends, but I know people who do, and from what I’ve heard, several of them wear tuxedos. I’ve also seen women at the Oscars wearing tuxedos, and I am fairly sure everyone in Hollywood is gay, because – as I am sure you are aware - they are liberal and elite. Is it a coincidence that they wear so many tuxedos? I don’t think so. Also, I’ve seen a recent article about gay penguins, and tuxedos look suspiciously like penguins.
I understand you are taking some heat for this decision, in part because you didn’t have any dress code spelled out ahead of time. I’d like to suggest that in the future, you cover yourself by spelling out the dress rules on paper, so there is no confusion. This would be for everyday school, not just yearbook photos. And since the decision was apparently based in part on the student’s sexual orientation, you could be extra careful and include that in the dress code as well. So what I am picturing is a generic dress code, with four separate appendices that have the specifics for straight boys, gay boys, straight girls, and gay girls (sometimes known as lesbians). Straight girls could wear pants, but the gay ones should have to wear skirts so they learn to act like ladies. And you could specify that they have to wear pumps or sandals with heels, otherwise you will get trouble makers with combat boots. For the boys we could have a section that says the gay ones have to wear at least one blue item of clothing each day. We should have some color samples of acceptable shades, so they don’t try to push the limits by wearing shirts that border on lavender. I am going to work on this over the weekend, and will send you some swatches of the blue shades I think will work. I hope that is okay.
Here’s to a yearbook of stuffed shirts, not
starched ones!
Letter to Congressman Algie Howell
Feb 11, 2005
Dear Mr. Howell,
Thank you for your efforts to outlaw underwear on our streets. I am sorry that your law was dropped, like so many waistlines, as I, too, am tired of seeing satin and/or cotton – or, God help us, leather - on a person’s backside.
I would like to suggest that you ignore the media circus, and continue to focus on the concerns of your constituents. Please reintroduce this bill, this time with stronger language. Specifically, I would like to see running shorts also outlawed, since, as I am sure you are aware, they often are as revealing as underwear. I’ve seen many people, particularly in the 80’s, wearing nylon shorts. I suspect, though I haven’t personally verified it, that many of these people wore nothing but a jock strap under their shorts. I didn’t like the 80’s, and I’m not a big fan of jock straps. I had to sell one once when I worked in a department store. It was embarrassing. In the end, I got fired from that job, and I’m glad, because I didn’t appreciate having to look at people’s underwear, even though it was still on the hangers with the price tags attached. I wish you could outlaw that, too. I don’t like underwear being sold in stores.
I was wondering, when you reintroduce this bill, could you please add a line about haircuts? I’ve noticed a lot of people recently with hair that is too long. I would like if men kept their hair under two inches in length, and perhaps if they are going bald they could have it a little longer, but not much – not like Mr. Trump. We could have a catchy slogan for this rule, something the people could rally behind. I was thinking “Let’s Trim Our Hair (and Wear Our Pants) According to Democratic Lifestyle” would be nice. I can make some posters if you want.
We will never succeed unless we address the “wedgie issues”!
Letter
to Mr. Conder
Superintendent, Norwood Schools, CO
Feb 5, 2005
Dear Mr. Conder,
Thank you for having the courage to give two dozen copies of the book “Bless Me, Ultima” to a parent to dispose of. It’s disgraceful to expose our children to profanity like that, especially in a public school setting. I am shocked, completely shocked, that Laura Bush was peddling that smut. If you ask me, she’s been spending too much time with Mr. Cheney. The two of them need to schedule a meeting between their mouths and a bar of soap. Individually, I mean. Not a meeting where Laura’s mouth meets Dick’s (pardon my French).
You may be interested to know that I am a teacher in a public school. Small world, no?! In our school district, we have a most inconvenient rule about not giving equipment and supplies to private citizens if they were purchased with public funds.
This brings me to my main point. I have a digital camera that is slightly damaged, and I am in the market for a new one. Being a teacher, my personal funds are limited. I was wondering if you could use some of your school’s budget to buy me a digital camera. You could say you decided afterwards that it was unacceptable for the students to have, because they could take inappropriate photos. Even if they didn’t take bad photos, just having the camera might put the idea in their head. As a teacher, I am diligent about not letting my students get any ideas.
Or, if that’s not okay, you could buy some more books and ban them, and give them to me to “destroy”. I could sell the books on ebay and maybe make enough money to buy my camera. If you want to do that idea instead, I can send you a list of books with bad words.
As educators, we need to “ban”
together!
Letter
to Mr. Rumsfeld
Jan 20, 2005
Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,
Last week I read that the Pentagon was developing a series of non-lethal chemical weapons that will disrupt discipline and morale among enemy troops. The one I liked best was the one to develop an aphrodisiac weapon that would make enemy soldiers turn homosexual (please excuse my language) and would hurt their morale.
I read that the proposed budget for the weapons was several million dollars. I want to do this project, but I think President Bush is going to have a hard time getting elected for his third term if the liberals find out he’s spending money on special interest items like that.
I used to be in the Army, and I have some good ideas about how to fight wars without spending a lot of money. Also, I watch a lot of television, now that I’m not in the Army anymore. I like TV. Do you?
I am enclosing a total of ten SpongeBob SquarePants videos for you to look at. My idea is that if you like them, I can copy them and we can send them to the Iraqis. If you think the war is going to go on a long time, we can show them in Iraqi schools so we can turn them gay before they start fighting, but otherwise we could just show them to the insurgents. Maybe we could have a big outdoor screen even, like in Times Square. I'm not from New York, but I've seen that on TV.
The tapes cost me about three dollars each to make, so if you like them, if you could send me the thirty dollars, that would be great. Or you can send them back; that’s okay too. I think I can get them cheaper in bulk. If you let me know roughly how many insurgents we have, I can send you a cost proposal for my idea. I don’t think it will cost very much, but if you need a lot, it will take a little time for me to copy them all.
Here’s hoping the rest
of the world stops “sponging” off the USA!
Letter
to Mr. Robert Marshall, Virginia legislature
Jan 12, 2005
Dear Mr. Marshall,
Your recently introduced bill HB 1807 making it a felony to prevent minors from getting pregnant is long overdue (no pun intended). Young people who are victims of statutory rape get off (again, no pun intended) far too easily in this country. Teens and preteens need to learn to respect their elders, like the bible says, and quit trying to weasel out of getting pregnant if that’s what their older partner has decided is best for them. They ought to be taught from a young age that the purpose of sex is procreation, and what better way to do that than to outlaw their access to birth control?
Some short-sighted people will probably suggest that a better option would be to require reporting suspected cases of statutory rape to child protection services. But that sends the wrong message. It tells people that the crime is the rape itself, when we all know the real goal is to make sure we don’t prevent more teen pregnancies. Your law makes that distinction nicely.
I thought of a good analogy for this. It’s like if someone steals my identity and forges a check, we should think about not focusing so much on the person who did that, but instead find out who gave them the pen. That’s the person who really enabled the whole situation, if you think about it.
You can use that analogy in a press release, if you want.
Also, if you want help writing a bill to make it a felony to give pens to criminals, I’d be happy to help with that. And I promise to use a computer, not a pen!
When it comes to teen pregnancies,
let's make the "write" choice!
Letter
to Matthew Wohl
Jan 3, 2005
Dear Officer Wohl,
Hi, Sir! Thank you for your help in arresting and prosecuting the disrupters at the Republican Convention this last summer. I read some of your testimony about arresting Dennis Kyne. I was shocked to read the details about him resisting arrest. The image you painted, of his “mouth, heart and eyes” moving around while four of you tried to subdue him, is terrifying. One can only imagine the threat he would have posed if he’d been allowed to roam freely at the public library. A library is no place for people’s eyes to be moving. Behavior like that leads to reading, and reading leads to education, and we all know what that leads to – turning into one of those liberals, with their liberal values – or should I say lack of values.
I read that people are criticizing you now because you testified that you personally were involved in the arrest, although video tape appears to show you had nothing to do with it, and were not present in the videos. For what it’s worth, I don’t believe the videos, and I don’t give any credit to the naysayers. They weren’t there, they don’t know how it was. Not like you, because you're an officer, you know what it’s like to arrest people, so you can speak with a lot of authority about the events as you saw them, even if you weren’t there either.
I like that idea your captain had about arresting anyone who was hanging around the library during the convention. I would like to know if that program is still active, because I think it’s a great idea for keeping all of us secure, and not just during the convention. Terrorists could strike anytime, anywhere, and not just in big cities.
I live in a medium city, in Michigan, and we have a lot of libraries here, and I’ve been to a few of them, and I don’t like the looks of everyone who hangs out at the libraries in the Midwest. Have you ever been to Michigan? Anyway, the library in Sterling Heights is in the same building as the police station, so someone was using their brain when they designed that one. But I noticed the library in Romeo is a stand-alone building. Is there a way to have people arrested at that library? Is that something I could do as one of those citizen arrests, or do I need to be deputized somehow? Also, I would like to know about bookstores. I don’t like them either, except for the ones that sell coffee. I only hung out at one of them because my daughter was in a play at a Barnes and Noble, so I drank some coffee during rehearsals. That was about 2 years ago. I didn’t look at any books; I’m not that kind of woman.
May the “force”
be with us!
Letter
to Mr. Gillespie
Aug 1 '04
Dear Mr. Gillespie,
Sometimes the best way to learn campaign strategy is to learn from a pro. I’m not sure if I’m ever going to run for office; I may have too many skeletons in my closet.
Anyway, I’ve been watching John Kerry’s campaign and comparing it to the one you are handling for President Bush, and I have decided if I do run, I will use your battle plan!
Specifically, I have watched John Kerry make rookie mistakes that are incomprehensible in a person with his so-called experience running for office. Take today, for example. Right in the middle of a campaign rally, he stopped to ask protesters what their signs said. It was apparently something about AIDS, and he spoke off the top of his head about the issue, just because it was a concern of theirs. If he was looking for a way to show people he caters to special interest groups, this was certainly the way to do it! Even worse, it showed him to be incredibly weak. I mean it’s okay to allow a citizen to speak their mind, but that’s what the free-speech areas are for. Allowing them to control the situation, to demand his attention, revealed what kind of a commander he really is – one that allows others to take charge. I want a commander who can “stay the course” – not one who buckles to pressure in the midst of a public event.
Your candidates, on the other hand, have shown a real commitment to strength and loyalty. By requiring people at your rallies to sign a pledge of support before they can get a ticket, you can make sure you won’t get any nay-sayers in your midst. Even better, by having them sign something saying you can use their names in endorsements for President Bush and Vice President Cheney, you’ve killed two birds with one stone – photo ops AND marketing. But that’s not really the genius of your plan … and this is the part that people like John Kerry will just never get. By keeping out those that don’t endorse you, you create an excellent opportunity to “shore up your base.” Other people, like swing voters, haven’t earned the right to hear President Bush speak, and it’s absurd for them to expect to be admitted.
I am not sure if this is possible, but I think that there could be a way to prevent President Bush’s speeches from being aired on regular television, where just anyone can listen. I was thinking his speeches could be broadcast on something like pay-per-view, except you wouldn’t really have to pay, you’d have to mail in a form saying you endorse him, and then get some sort of code you can punch in to allow access. Or, if you make them pay, that could be a neat fundraiser! I hope you like my suggestion.
Loyalty is the best way to
unite our country!
Letter to Mr. Rumsfeld
Jul 28 '04
Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,
In this age of governing by polls and popular opinion, it is rare to find an individual who has the moral fortitude to put what’s best for America ahead of special interest groups, and I am proud to have found such a person in you.
I applaud your hard stance on the shipment of the many donated bullet-proof vests collected by Marion County Sheriff Ed Dean, to 1st Sgt. Fred Chisholm, one of his deputies who was called up for duty in Iraq. People who are trying to bypass our system by shipping these vests to help pad the inside of Humvees against enemy fire, people who think they know what’s best for the military, are incapable of seeing the larger picture. If those people had read the remarks of people like MAJ Bill Nutter, Public Affairs Officer, they would know that the Marion based reservists were no less equipped than regular Army troops in southern Iraq.
By allowing armor to be sent, willy-nilly, to any of our units in Iraq that asks for them, we send the wrong message. We need to let our soldiers know that not one of them is more special than another, no one life is worth more than another. In order to ensure morale, we need to prohibit shipment of armor to units that need it, unless we can supply them all, equally. Just because equipment is free, just because it might save lives, that does not make it right.
In America, ALL men are created equal.
Letter to Mr. Ashcroft
Jul 26 '04
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
Regarding my letter of July 23, 2004, this is to inform you that I returned "Tour of Duty" to the library today, at approximately 1:37pm. You may want to consider sending someone to the library to guard for anyone else that checks it out, now that it is available to the public again. I was thinking of starting a movement for real patriots, like me, to check out any questionable materials from area libraries, and hang onto those materials for the maximum amount of time allowed. This way, those materials would not be on the shelves for any undesirables to check out. Also, I wanted to let you know that in my previous letter, I erroneously cited the author of "Tour of Duty" as David Brinkley. It has come to my attention that the actual author is Douglas Brinkley. I have corrected my file copy of the letter; you may want to correct yours as well. In light of this new information, I must, unfortunately, request that you now remove me from your list of "intelligent" subversives, and instead place me on your list of slanderous liars.
Information is Power!
Letter to Mr. Thompson
Jul 26 '04
Dear Mr. Thompson,
Please accept my belated congratulations on your selection as Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. Thank you for helping to keep Americans healthy. I have been reading a great deal lately on diseases and disease prevention. I believe it is of utmost importance that, as citizens of this fine country, we hold ourselves accountable for our actions in order to ward off easily preventable diseases that threaten to bankrupt our country with skyrocketing medical costs.
I was concerned to read that a new health textbook in Texas says teenagers should “get plenty of rest” if they want to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. For the last several days, I have stayed up past my usual bedtime, surfing the internet. Specifically, three nights ago, I only received about 4 hours of sleep. Should I schedule an appointment with my doctor to get myself tested for AIDS?
Also, I was wondering if you could shed some light on comments made by Dr. W. David Hager. Please pass my congratulations to him also, by the way, on his reappointment several weeks ago to the Advisory Panel on Reproductive Health Drugs. I understand that he has written about the bible’s ability to cure premenstrual symptoms. Can you explain how this works? Do we place the book on our tummies, and allow its weight to gently ease our cramps?
Armed with the proper knowledge, we CAN take responsibility!
Letter to Ashcroft
Jul 25 '04
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
Last week I received my mammogram results from my doctor, and I thought of you. I’ve heard about suspected terrorists Ms. McGarry and Colleen Carboy, who attempted to bring a suspicious substance that they referred to as “breast milk” on board an airplane. I am thankful that security screeners were on their toes in both cases, and made the women sample the liquid before boarding, to assure our safety.
My mammogram came back negative, but it made me stop and think. If a woman can smuggle weapons of mass destruction in her breast milk after it’s been expressed, what’s to keep her from smuggling them in her milk while it’s still in her breast? I know that I would feel more secure if your office could screen all mammogram records, and check for suspicious lumps. Perhaps women who have these lumps could be added to your no-fly lists. And women who don’t have a mammogram on file with your office could be pulled aside for a breast-exam by one of your screeners. You will probably get a few liberals protesting this, but be assured they are out of touch with mainstream America. The majority of women welcome the government into our private lives, if that’s the cost of freedom.
Proud to serve as your eyes and ears (and breasts!).
Letter to Mr. Ridge
Jul 25 '04
Dear Mr. Ridge,
I wanted to personally thank you for helping me to make informed decisions on how to protect myself and my family. Your advice has been invaluable, and I sleep easier at night as a result.
I want to thank you, in particular, for your suggestion regarding duct tape. During the convention season, we will be sealing our windows, doors and chimneys with duct tape, to prevent those vicious terrorists from poisoning our air. We don’t live in a major city, but I know that’s how the enemy works … no matter where you live, they can find you. None of us can afford to let our guard down.
I also want to apologize for possibly using more duct tape than your buddy Jack Kahl can produce. I understand he was a “pioneer” in the Bush campaign in 2000, and produces nearly half of the duct tape within the great United States of America. I know that his employees had to work overtime to keep up with demand after your announcement on PBS that “we may need that duct tape.” Please pass on to this great patriot that we appreciate the sacrifices his company has made, and the long hours they worked, to protect us all.
Our security is assured, if we all “stick” to the plan!
Letter to Ashcroft
Jul 24 '04
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
How are you? I am fine.
Today I went for a drive across Michigan. In the lane next to me, I spotted a car with a John Kerry bumper sticker. Ever vigilant, I sped up a little, so I could see what the driver looked like. At first glance, she didn’t look like a terrorist, because she had blond hair, and I’ve seen on the news that only people with dark hair are terrorists. But then it occurred to me that she could be dying her hair. Also, she had deep frown lines, as if she’d been thinking seriously about something … one can only wonder what.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have a pen handy, and I didn’t want to alert her to the fact that she was under surveillance by reaching in the back seat to get something to write with – otherwise I would have gotten her license plate for you. Next time, I will do better.
After that, I stopped at a café for lunch. I had a grilled cheese sandwich. Some of the cheese was American, but some was Swiss, and I think they speak French over there. If you need the name of the restaurant, please let me know. I trust you know where to find me. I ordered onion rings, but I did eat two French fries from my friend’s plate. Please make a note in my files.
Through constant awareness,
we can conquer our fears!
Letter to Mr. Ashcroft
Jul 23 '04
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
These are difficult times we live in. The fight on terror is the most important fight we have faced in my lifetime. I know it is consuming our resources, as a nation, and I want to help.
I understand we have intelligence funding issues. I used to work in intelligence, so I know that intelligence is a good thing.
In the interest of conserving resources and speeding up investigations of suspicious activity, I would like to report that today I went to the library and borrowed a copy of "Tour of Duty" by Douglas Brinkley. Other recent items I have checked out include "A Walk in the Woods" and an SAT study guide. Based on these items, I believe there may be sufficient reason to place me your list of intelligent commie-loving hippies, if you have a list encompassing those categories.
With all of us working together, we can be victorious!